Frustration
by Proton Star
Summary: Kurogane is tense, they all are, but it's everything to do with Fai that frustrates him the most. But he'll live with frustration if it keeps Fai alive.


Title: Frustration  
Author: Proton Star  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters; CLAMP does. No money is being made from this.  
Fandom: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle (Manga version)  
Characters: Kurogane, Fai  
Pairings: Kurogane/Fai  
Ratings/Warnings: PG-12, canonical levels of self-harm and vampirism and spoilers up to volume 18.  
Summary: Kurogane is tense, they all are, but it's everything to do with Fai that frustrates him the most. But he'll live with frustration if it keeps Fai alive.

* * *

The worst of it is that the wizard is not ignoring him. No, Fai talks freely enough about what is necessary, how to fight, how to win, all to find the next feather.

Kurogane would know how to deal with being ignored. This, though, he had no way of fighting, and Fai knew it. It was frustrating. He was glad that the competition organisers provided free saké along with bed and board for all competitors.

He didn't drink the night before they had a match, and never to excess, just in case someone attacked them here in the hotel, but getting slightly buzzed on saké was about the only way he had to release tension.

The fighting wasn't doing it. They're winning easily enough at the moment, and no-one else enjoys fighting the way he enjoys fighting.

The way they fight is good, efficient and effective.

He's fought side-by-side with Fai for long enough that he doesn't need to watch him anymore, he knows what he's going to do and that he'll do it well. Kurogane still watches him though.

They fight as a unit, to clear the path for the kid and to keep their opponents off him, but he can't congratulate Fai on how well he fights now. He should, but the way Fai looks at him when their matches are over makes it clear the compliments are not welcome. He should do it anyway, because Fai deserves the praise. He might do it anyway, just for the reaction, but that sort of thinking makes him sound more like Fai than himself.

Nothing is quite how it should be, and that, Kurogane thinks, is the underlying cause of a lot of the tension. That tension is in everything they do, including choosing their hotel rooms. It would make Kurogane laugh, if he didn't fear that if he started laughing, he would never stop. Obviously, the Princess can't share a room with them, and previously that hadn't been a problem. She got one room and they took another. But Fai refuses to go near him unless he has to, so Fai's taken the other room in the princess's suite.

The princess can barely stand to look at the kid, which isn't the kid's fault, but it's not the princess's fault either. The kid is Sayoran, but he's not their Sayoran, but he is and the whole thing was enough to make your head ache. Every time Kurogane lets himself think about it, there's less saké in the bottle.

The kid is a whole different problem. Kurogane understands why he's so tightly wound, every time anyone looks at him, they see someone else, and all the things that that other person has done, but he thinks the kid's going to burst if he doesn't unwind sometime. None of the things Kurogane would suggest work. The kid doesn't enjoy fighting the way Kurogane does, and when he trains, it's like a robot. Determined, yes, but no relaxation there. He'd suggest a drink, but the way the kid sips the saké when he's given it makes it clear that he's only doing it to be polite, and Kurogane can't shake the image of the other Sayoran getting clumsy drunk with them in Oto.

Sayoran stands up and goes to his bedroom, pretending that he wouldn't be tossing and turning instead of sleeping. It gives Kurogane his opportunity to cross over to the other suite.

Kurogane doesn't like the way this hotel is laid out. There are windows on both sides, and he can't watch all of them. Although this is leaving Sayoran exposed on the other side of the building, he's better able to defend himself if anything does happen than the Princess is if they did this the other way round.

Kurogane is going to the other suite because if he doesn't make him, Fai won't feed. Fai refuses feed in public, and if he doesn't go to Fai, Fai won't come to him. Kurogane is willing to give him privacy, he never opens his veins for Fai if the others are present, but Fai must feed. They don't have arguments about it, that would require talking, instead Kurogane states his case, and Fai ignores him. Despite that, they have come to something like an agreement. Fai feeds before he becomes desperate, when the hunger gets so great that he can barely control himself. Fai feeds before a fight, because they must be ready for it. Fai feeds when he's injured, because it helps him heal.

The rest of the time, it's more difficult to get Fai to feed. It's easier for Kurogane if Fai feeds regularly, it means he takes less each time which is makes Kurogane's recovery easier. Except he can't tell Fai that, otherwise he wouldn't feed at all. Hurting Kurogane is the thing Fai wants second least. Living like this is the first.

If they weren't fighting in the tournament, Fai wouldn't need to feed so often, probably not more than once a week. Kurogane isn't sure if that will be better or worse - it'll probably be easier on him but it will make Fai's resistance more stubborn - but he will worry about it when it becomes a problem.

He has a solution to the present problem. Fai lets him in without a word. Kurogane waits by the door, leaning back, and rolls up his sleeve. Fai sits down on the bed, pretending to ignore him. Kurogane knows Fai isn't really ignoring him, no one who isn't paying attention to the other person in the room looks nonchalant like that.

Kurogane can wait. And he does.

Fai sits on the bed, crosses his legs and leans back, resting on his hands. He's settling in to be stubborn.

They're between matches, so there's no immediate need for Fai to feed, but, at the same time, Kurogane wants Fai to know that there doesn't need to be that urgency for him to eat.

Kurogane can be stubborn too.

He takes the short dagger he keeps with him for this and cuts a line along the inside of his wrist. It'll heal. There seems to be something about how vampires feed that seals up the wound. It disturbs him more than the feeding does. Still, it serves a purpose for both of them. Kurogane can see it from the vampires's point of view, if you don't leave marks, the prey are more willing to bleed for you, but it also makes his life easier. His wrists would be all scar tissue by now if it didn't work this way.

The blood drips, and Kurogane can see Fai's nose not quite twitching, the smell of the blood reaching him even as he tries to ignore it. It means Kurogane knows he's hungry, no matter how much he tries to hide it. Those days where Fai's really not hungry, he can ignore the scent.

Kurogane can carry on waiting. If necessary, he'll wait until the cut heals over and reopen it. It'll sting, but Fai's unlikely to be able to resist twice.

That's if he can keep resisting this time. Kurogane can almost see Fai's resolve weakening.

When it gives, it's with a sudden snap. Fai is all movement, limbs reaching out towards Kurogane before his body even starts moving.

There's a sharp prick as Fai's fangs enter the skin around the wound. It barely hurts now, if it ever did. The warmth that spreads, Kurogane has learnt to expect.

He knows there are animals out there, who release chemicals when they feed that stop their prey from noticing them. There are some cases where the predator releases chemicals stop their prey's blood from clotting. Kurogane understands the purpose of those. The effect that being bitten by Fai has, Kurogane doesn't understand. He supposes it's intended to make the victim look forward to it, which is more important if you, like Fai, can only feed off one person.

The first time Fai fed from him; it didn't happen. Or maybe Kurogane was too relieved that Fai had survived to notice it. The second time, it definitely happened, and it was a feeling that Kurogane was so unprepared for that he couldn't stop himself from groaning. A very particular groan, which Fai was sure to recognise. So yes, Fai knew how this made Kurogane feel.

All Kurogane knows is that when Fai feeds from his wrist, he wants Fai to feed from his neck. He wants Fai in his lap, hot and breathing against his neck. He wants Fai in his arms. He wants ...

He can survive the wanting, holding his hand open when all he wants is to cup Fai's head in his hands and draw him upwards, and not doing anything about it. He's a ninja, iron self-control is his first weapon.

What Kurogane needs is for Fai to know that this feeling isn't why he's doing this. Just because blood loss isn't why Kurogane goes weak at the knees when they do this, that feeling is not his reason for feeding Fai. He does it to make sure Fai stays alive. Some of that is for all of them. The kid and the princess have lost too much to lose Fai as well. Fai's a useful fighter, and Kurogane thinks it's best to have as many of them with you as you can. Maybe that's something else he's learnt on this journey.

Kurogane would like to pretend that it's all for all of them, but there's a lot of his reasoning that's selfish. He wants Fai to live. Not more than he wants to live, he's not that sort of fool, but he wants Fai to live because the other option will hurt him more than he wants to stand. Kurogane doesn't always like that feeling, but it's the truth. It would be a different kind of alone that he has no intention of letting happen. If it costs him a few gō of blood three times a week, it's a price worth paying. There are few prices that Kurogane wouldn't pay to keep Fai alive. Not giving in to his wants, the ball of frustration settling in to stay until he can get back to his own room, isn't worth an ichibuban against the weight of what Kurogane would pay.

Kurogane's hand stays still against the wall.

* * *

End notes: There might be a sequel but, as always, my writing is snail-speed.


End file.
